I’d heard of baby blues before, but I really didn’t see this coming.
I don’t know how long it lasted, but it felt like eternity. They put Emma in my arms for the first time after the delivery and I immediately felt my arms go numb and a choking tightness in my chest. I felt the deepest sadness I ever remember feeling, like if instead of somebody being born, somebody had just died.
I couldn’t stop crying, sobbing. I guess for the first few minutes my husband and the nurse didn’t think much of it, but it got to the point where the nurse grabbed Emma back and stared at me with a terrible questioning face, like “who is this evil woman?”
The sadness remained, but guilt took over. How could I be such an awful person to be saddened and not delighted by the birth of my first child?
I couldn’t stop thinking about how unprepared I was, how there was no way I would be able to take care of her. I pictured myself running around the house with a sick, starving and dirty baby, not knowing what to do.
I imagined myself older, not having done anything else with my life, but take poor care of a baby.
I finally fell asleep.
The happiest day of my life!